


What goes on behind closed doors and beneath shirt sleeves

by Just_Call_Me_Charles



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cutting, Dan is insecure, Insecurity, Phil is stressed, Positive ending, Sad, Self Harm, happyish ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-04 12:27:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5334095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_Call_Me_Charles/pseuds/Just_Call_Me_Charles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We need to fix whatever's hurting you, because otherwise, it's going to kill you, whether you want it too or not."</p>
            </blockquote>





	What goes on behind closed doors and beneath shirt sleeves

Warnings: themes of self harm and self hatred, discussion of cutting, suicidal implications, generally a big mess of depressing angst  
   
"Dan?" Phil called out. He hadn't seen Dan yet that day, and he really wanted to finish planning the final stages of their tour.

"What?" He heard Dan answer. 

"We need to finish this, remember?" 

"-oh"

Phil shifted. That didn't sound like normal, happy Dan. Then he sat up straight as Dan walked in the room. He could see the circles under Dan's eyes clearly, and the normally sparkling brown eyes were dull. 

"Dan, are you alright? We don't need to work on this now, we can do it later." 

"No, its fine Phil, lets just get this over with so we can relax," Dan said. 

Phil nodded, eager to get this over with so he could go back to his Netflix binge.  
Dan reached for the laptop, and they started making their hotel reservations. But the entire time Phil couldn't help but to think that Dan's heart just wasn't in it. Was Dan having second thoughts?  
Phil convinced himself that it was probably nothing. Perhaps Dan was at the start of another existential crisis triggered by all the important decisions that needed to be made. Yes, that was probably it. Phil told himself everything was fine and managed to fall asleep at a reasonable hour, not realizing that Dan lay all night wide awake and miserable in the next room over. 

The next morning Phil woke up late. So late, in fact, that Dan had assumed he wasn't coming out at all. It wasn't entirely unheard of for Phil to stay in bed, so Dan had figured that maybe Phil was just needed a break from everything. So Dan didn't really pay attention to what was going on as he puttered around aimlessly. Next thing he knew he was walking into the kitchen and seeing Phil making a cup of coffee. 

"Oh! You're awake!" He said, startled.

"Yeah, I- " Phil froze. His eyes, which had flicked across the younger man's form out of habit, had landed on something worrying. Dan's wrist, exposed by his shirtsleeves tee shirt, had long red streaks crisscrossing them. Blood. Blood from-

Phil dropped his mug. It shattered, snapping them both out of their relative calm. 

"Phil? Wha-"

"Dan, is that blood on your wrists?" Phil's voice was steely calm and filled with dread. 

Dan's face drained of color and he immediately darted out of the room. Phil instantly sprung into action, chasing after him. 

"Dan! Dan!" 

Dan ran into his own room, slamming the door just before Phil reached him. Phil tried opening the door, but Dan had locked it. 

"Dan, please, I just want to talk about it!" He implored. 

"It's nothing , Phil, go away!"

"It's not nothing, Dan. If you're in pain, I want to help."

"-wha, Phil- I- it's not what it looks like." Dan sounded desparate. 

"Really, Dan?! Because from where I'm standing it looks like you're hurting yourself, and I can't just sit here and let that happen!"

"Phil I'm not suicidal, if that's what you think. It's fine."

Phil sighed, sinking down and sitting, head resting against the door. 

"Dan, that's not all that matters. I mean, I'm glad you're not, but if something's bothering you enough for you to damage your own self, we need to talk about it."

"We don't need to talk about it," was the weak reply. Dan sounded like he wa becoming less and less sure of his stance in the argument with each passing second. 

"Fine. Then we at least need to fix whatever it is that's hurting you. Because if you don't, this is going to kill you, whether you want it to or not. "

"... How the hell would you know, Phil?"

Phil sighed. He hadn't ever wanted to admit any of what he was about to say. 

"Because fixing things is what saved me, Dan. I was unhappy and faking smiles in front of a camera while performing for people I didn't even know. I had no one real to talk to. I had no friends, Dan, I wasn't exactly happy. But then I met you, well, on Skype at least. And you were real. Someone real, that my videos actually affected. You actually cared about what I was doing. And I started to get better. But I never said anything about the sadness, I just left the remnants of that time fester inside me, until the sadness grew again. I fell back into my old ways, and my wrist was never clean. And then I nearly overdid it, and ended up passing out and waking up in a hospital. And I knew I had to stop. So I asked you to move in with me and you accepted, and within a month, I was clean. Dan, you saved me, literally saved my life. Now let me do the same for you Dan. Please, let me help you. "

At this point Phil had tears streaming down his face. Telling Dan all that had brought up old feelings of unhappiness and emptiness, but he was pushing them down to help Dan. He was startled out of his self reflection by the sound of the door opening. He jumped up, and was greeted by the sight of a crying Dan. 

"Did you really feel that way?" He croaked.

Phil nodded. Dan then moved towards Phil and wrapped him in a hug. 

"You don't deserve to feel like that, Phil," Dan said. 

"Neither do you, bear," said Phil. At that, Dan made a little choking noise and started sobbing violently. 

"No please don't cry, Dan. I'm sorry I didn't realize you were so upset earlier."

"Phil, its not your fault. I've just been stressed lately and I've been feeling like I'm not enough for a while now. But I promise, I won't do it again. It doesn't really help, and I can't put you through that anyway. I'll be ok, Phil, I promise"

Phil just nodded, face on Dan's shoulder. He was never letting go of his Dan again.

"You scared me Bear. I don't want you going through that. We'll take a break, we have plenty of time to deal with all this later. "

"Thanks, Phil."

The two retreated into the lounge and spent the day cuddling and watching Netflix. Phil was happy that Dan had realized the damage he had been doing to himself, but he knew this wasn't over. There were still days now even that Phil got the urge to cut, but he fought them because he had Dan. He just needed Dan to realize he could lean on Phil. 

Phil would do anything for Dan.


End file.
